Icha Icha Pink
by DirtyDivas
Summary: Tsunade lost the bet and now must conspire with EroSennin for his novel Icha Icha Pink, where the heroine is to have the strongest shinobi compete for her. Sakura x Harem
1. The Bet

**Icha Icha Pink**

Prologue

_The Bet_

Scratching the thick wild hair on his head, Jiraiya tried to ignore the feeling of disappointment his fan's letter invoked. What did he mean that the Icha Icha plot lines were becoming predictable and that the characters were flat? He spent a great deal of time spying at bathhouses—er doing research.

With a scowl on his face, the infamous novelist tucked the letter into his vest and leaped up into a familiar window. The sight of the busty blond drooling over her piles of paperwork was enough to warm his heart and make him forget the annoyance over his fan's complaint. What did Hatake Kakashi know about good literature anyway?

The moment Jiraiya's sandled foot scraped the wood floor, Tsunade's head snapped up, sending a pile of papers tumbling to the floor.

"Kuso," she muttered, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with the back of her hand. "You have to stop jumping in here at all hours! Can't you see I'm busy!"

Jiraiya just gave her a broad smile. "Right! You need to loosen up. How about a game of strip poker?" He waggled his eyebrows at her. He knew it was a long shot, but it was worth a try.

Tsunade narrowed her brown eyes at him, cheeks pinking. Jiraiya sighed in disappointment, trying not to let his eyes wander down to her ample chest. He didn't need a reminder of the last time he'd spied on her and gotten caught.

He tapped his chin with one finger and gave her a sly look. "How about a friendly wager then?" Now, that was something she couldn't resist.

One slender blonde brow cocked daringly, "What kind of wager?"

Jiraiya grinned. He had her now! "Just a simple game of chance."

"Nothing is ever simple with you." His old teammate grumbled, already pushing the piles of unfiled paperwork onto the floor.

"That's why you love me." He grinned, the lines in his face creasing handsomely, or so he'd been told.

"Don't push your luck, ero-sennin."

"Oi!" Jiraiya mocked offense. "I don't call you hag, do I?"

Tsunade's eyes narrowed dangerously, drawing a nervous laugh from the Toad Sage. He decided to skip the pleasantries.

"Ok, here's the game." He laid out three cards face up on the desk between them. "See queenie here, all you've got to do is follow her."

"Are you serious?" Tsunade asked, sounding offended. "There's no way you'll beat me at this!"

"Ah, you'll agree to my terms then?"

"What terms?"

"If I win…You have to pose as a character in my new book."

Her eye twitched. Jiraiya flinched back, the eye twitch was always a tell tale sign that someone was about to be in a world of hurt…usually him.

"Fine," she agreed. "And if I win?"

"We'll see," Jiraiya said flipped the cards face-down. He started to slide them across the smooth tabletop the right to the middle the middle to the left the left to the far right. The cards smoothly exchanged places with one another. Jiraiya stopped the shuffle and held up his hands innocently with a grin. "Which one is the queen?"

"Easy!" Tsunade said with a confident smile as she flipped over the middle card only to find that it was the ten of spades. Her eyes grew wide in disbelief. "Cheater!"

Jiraiya merely arched a brow at her accusation. "The hand is faster than the eye." He continued to hold his hands up in the air. "Why don't you flip over the other two to see you have lost by your own accord?"

"I will!" Tsunade huffed, flipping over the outer cards at the same time. The one on the right was the queen. "Best two out of three?" she suggested with a pleading look in her honey brown eyes that her old teammate couldn't resist.

"All right," he said flipping the cards back over again.

SSSSS

Tsunade downed her sake in one gulp, the liquor burning pleasantly down her throat. She took a deep breath, holding it as Jiraiya shuffled the cards.

_Last round_, she told herself, eyes fixed on the movements of his deft fingers. _I have to win this one!_

She stared unblinking as he kept shuffling, strong hands flying faster and faster until they were a blur. Her eyes began to water.

Tsunade blinked.

And she missed the last movement. Now, all three cards stared up at her. Muttering curses under her breath, Tsunade reached out her hand to choose the middle one, a triumphant grin on her face. Jiraiya's lips twisted into a smirk.

She hesitated, fingers trembling.

Or he could be faking her out, the jerk.

Licking her lips, Tsunade leaned over her desk, her hand hovering over the first card. Jiraiya looked bored and cleared his throat.

Her decision made, Tsunade flipped over the third card. She stared in disbelief, eyes wide as the queen stared back up at her.

There was a first for everything.

"I…I won! Ha! Take that! I won!" She jumped up, pointing a finger at him.

Jiraiya clicked his tongue. "Ah, ah. Not so fast. I won two out of three.

SSSS

Her triumphant face fell, quickly turning to anger as her fist slammed down on the table, cracking the lacquered surface. "Damn!" She pounded the desk again, breaking it clean in two. "Damn, damn, damn." Not only had she lost, but she had lost more than money this time, and to Jiraiya to boot.

She turned her fierce glare on said pervert, mildly satisfied with the way he stumbled back a few steps.

"I won the last round, I should get concessions for that," she told him in a way that meant it was not up for discussion.

"I only let you play that round because I felt bad for you! It was a pity round!"

"Excuse me?" she ground out dangerously, her left foot slamming onto the broken pieces of her desk with a bone-breaking snap, turning the expensive piece of antique furniture into kindling. The council was going to shit a brick…collectively.

"Because you won the last round I'll give you a choice. Either you star as the heroine in my newest book or you can elect for your apprentice to play the lead." Jiraiya smiled, eyes crinkling in the process and Tsunade found the urge to throttle him diminish marginally. Maybe she'd just break a rib or two, but he did win so she would have to pay up.

"Sakura?" Tsunade asked surprised. What would the pervert want with her young apprentice. "Haruno Sakura? Why would you be interested in her? She's barely seventeen and your novels are for mature audiences. Doesn't that mean ages twenty-one and older?"

Jiraiya shifted his weight and averted his eyes guiltily. "I've been receiving fan mail requesting that the female lead have a more…refreshing look."

"I see, so why Sakura?"

It was best not to inform the leader of Konoha that one of the most respected shinobi had somewhat obsessive perverted fantasies about a student he used to teach. There was no reason to tell her about his number one fan's letters demanding that there be more pink haired female leads that like to earn extra credit from their much idolized, slightly older sensei who likes to remain shrouded in a mysterious mask.

Nope. No reason at all to inform the busty blonde about those particular pieces of fan mail.

"No one is as amazingly beautiful, talented, and intelligent as you are Tsunade. But at least Sakura has been blessed enough to receive your instruction and has been able to immolate you somewhat." He smiled at her, "They say imitation is the best flattery."

Knuckles began to crack ominously. "All right, so what is the plot you have intended?"

"I'm so glad you asked!" Jiraiya could feel a swell of excitement as he began to plan his novel, or maybe that was just an erection? Pish Posh. "I'll name it Icha Icha Pink. And it will involve a lovely young konoichi training under the most beautiful woman in the world. And the seven strongest shinobi will seek her and…," he trailed off. Did he really need a plot?

Tsunade chewed her lip, looking thoughtful. "Sakura would never agree to this."

Jiraiya smiled deviously and held up a finger. "Ah! But that's where my new jutsu comes in." In smug satisfaction he watched Tsunade lean forward, her eyes sparkling and not just from all the sake she'd had. He suppressed the urge to do something stupid like kiss her or stare down her shirt.

"New jutsu?"

He nodded. "That's right. I developed a special jutsu that focuses chakra to a…ah…certain area to produce pheromones. It makes one irresistible to the opposite sex."

Tsunade sipped her sake, frowning at her cup when she'd emptied it. "I don't know…we can't have every man in Konoha chasing after poor, little, repressed Sakura."

"And that's the beauty of it! It only works on those with high levels of chakra and they must be attracted to the user in some way. Otherwise, the pheromone will go unnoticed." He had to admit, it was one of the more genius things he'd invented. That and the jutsu that made him invisible.

"That has some merit, I suppose. But how on earth am I to convince her to perform this jutsu, let alone learn it. You don't know Sakura like I do. The poor girl. She's very repressed. I used to think she was still hung up on Sasuke, but I have my doubts."

Jiraiya nodded. "None can match the fire of your passions, Tsunade."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Can it!"

He held up his hands in defeat. "You don't have to tell her what the jutsu is…_exactly_. Only that you wish her to learn it. You're her teacher, her mentor! She looks up to you. She'll do it if you ask."

"I suppose I have no other choice," she said with a heavy sigh, breath tinged with sake. "But once she realizes what it does, she is bound to release the jutsu right away."

"It has a special release seal. She'd have to learn that separately."

SSSS

Tsunade's mouth turned down in a frown, her fingers drumming a nervous rhythm on her empty cup. "This is a bad idea."

"Hmm? Then you'll do it yourself?" Jiraiya leaned over her desk eagerly, his eyebrows waggling. "We'd make a great pair – OW! Of HEROES! A great pair of heroes!"

Tsunade's glare didn't soften even a tic.

"I mean, I've got some amazing stuff I've been saving up for just such an opportunity," he continued. His hands reached up to soothe the knot rising on the top of his head as his getta scraped across the floor in his effort to evade her reach.

Her glare hardened, the glazed porcelain in her hands popping ominously. Jiraiya, however, made a sound of outrage rather than heeding the tell-tale signs of her temper.

"You dented it! You hag, Tsunade!" His hands groped searchingly across his custom-made hitae-ate, pointing accusingly at the sizeable dent running across the bridge.

Tsunade smirked unrepentantly.

Jiraiya's arms crossed defiantly as he took up the challenge.

"Just wait until you hear what I have planned for the climax."

SSSS

She wasn't sure what was scarier, the fact that she had just spent four hours refining the details of how to con her student as well as Konaho's finest ninja into posing for Jiraiya's newest novel or the fact that he had ninety percent of an aphrodisiac jutsu of such incredible strength worked out, and that she had just finished the last ten percent.

There was a timid knock on the door to Hokage's office. Tsunade exchanged an anxious look with Jiraiya to which he flashed her a 'thumbs up' before jumping out her window. She took a quick swig of her sake and prayed silently that her old teammate injured himself on his jump.

"Come in Sakura," she called out. Her pink haired apprentice entered and gave a respectful bow before her desk. Tsunade ignored the inkling of guilt that began to rise in her gut. She was the Hokage, and for the good of Konaho she couldn't afford to become the 'star' of the pervert's newest book.

Sakura was a ninja and knew that duty came before honor. So therefore if she discovered the truth behind the jutsu she'd simply accept her fate. It was for the good of the Leaf Village. And maybe if Tsunade told herself this excuse enough she'd believe this.

"Tsunade-sama, Shizune said that you had an urgent message for me," Sakura said clasping her hands behind her back at attention.

"Yes, there is a jutsu I wanted to teach you."

The kunoichi's brows furrowed, "But it's four thirty in the morning…"

"I'm a busy woman! You expect me to have time to train you when it's the most convenient time of day?" Tsunade growled, turning her attention back to her student who was currently staring at her with wide jade eyes.

"Of course Tsunade-sama," Sakura quickly apologized.

"Now the jutsu I'm about to teach you is very secret and I've only just discovered it myself. I'm afraid that there are many unknown properties but I believe it will prove extremely helpful in interrogations."

"Okay…,"Sakura drawed. "So you're going to teach me a jutsu that you don't know its properties? Isn't that dangerous?"

"Life as a ninja is dangerous," Tsunade retorted in annoyance. Where was that sake again? Oh right, the bottle was empty now. "This jutsu will only work in the presence of two factors. One being a strong female with great chakra levels and the second being a man to whom holds an affection for the female that also has high chakra levels."

"I see…," Sakura said, clearly not understanding and sounding a bit like her blond teammate Naruto.

"So after I teach it to you, I want you to find a suitable male candidate to practice the jutsu upon, and then report to me the consequences…er I mean effects." Tsunade flashed her a quick smile hoping the pink haired teen would ignore the many holes in her explanation.

"Are you drunk again Tsunade-sama?"

"That's not important," the blonde said waving her hand in dismissal.


	2. Doc

Chapter Three: Want to play doctor (Sakura x Neji)

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes concentrating on tuning out all distractions. His fingers tightened convulsively on his knees where they rested in his meditative stance while his old sensei began another lecture about the power of youth and the Hyuga genuis' perfect posture became a bit stiffer.

"Hey Neji, would you like to spar with me?" Tenten asked sitting beside him on the cool grass.

Neji studiously ignored her. He'd been with this team for years and one would think that by now they would recognize that he was busy while meditating. He began to sense a strange chakra pulsation, opening his eyes and activated his Byakugan with a soft whisper. The pulse lasted only a fleeting moment before it vanished.

"Does that mean yes?" Tenten asked holding various pointy objects in her hands with enthusiasm.

"Hn." Neji deactivated his bloodline limit and rose to his feet. "It's almost noon and I'm supposed to report to the hospital for an inspection," he said by way of explanation. He gestured towards Lee with a jerk of his chin. "Lee would serve as a worthy opponent."

The bushy browed man in green turned his attention away from Maito Gai and stared at Neji with his dark eyes wide and tears spilling over in ecstasy. "Neji believes I am a worthy opponent!" he cried out running towards Neji with arms outstretched for what would surely be an awkward moment.

Neji smoothly stepped behind Tenten, effectively using her as a shield to which their overly enthusiastic teammate clung to in a tight embrace. "Tenten, I would be honored to spar with you! Come let us enjoy our youth while our Jounin friend goes about his duty."

He watched Lee drag away an exacerbated dark haired female while his sensei stood nearby with a gleaming smile.

"Represent Team Gai and the power of youth to the best of your abilities Neji!" Gai shouted making a fist with this thumb pointed up in typical good guy pose.

Neji wasted little time in escaping the insanity that was his team. He wasn't sure why he was in such a hurry; he wasn't due to meet up with the Hokage's assistant for another hour. It was really only a technicality that he should have to meet up with her for a physical anyway. His mission had been a simple escort without any skirmishes but for some reason Sakura had been too busy to do his inspection and the Hokage had insisted that he would only be cleared by that particular medic-nin.

It wasn't that Neji didn't respect the pink haired kunoichi, but he truly didn't understand why some other medic couldn't listen to his heart and lungs and clear him just as easily. It was very strange of Tsunade-sama, but who was he to question the leader of the village?

As he took to the trees to speed his trek to the hospital the chakra signature that had flashed by earlier drew his attention. "Byukagan," he said activating the veins to bulge around his eyes.

Having time to kill he changed his destination and began to track the source. It wasn't long before he tracked the moving target into the streets of Konoha. He followed the source as it led through the crowds, tuning out all the other chakra that threatened to overwhelm his bloodline limit.

Then he caught sight of pink and a large surge of the strange chakra before it vanished. He deactivated the Byukagan now that he knew the source and continued walking at a brisk pace knowing that eventually his longer strides would draw him to the woman's side given her shorter legs.

"Sakura-san," Neji greeted quietly, feeling an odd shiver of excitement course down his spine at seeing her jump at the sound of his voice. She turned to him quickly, green eyes growing wide in surprise.

"Neji-san! I'm so sorry I wasn't able to do your exam, but…"she trailed off, her cheeks growing a dark pink color to match her hair.

"It's fine," Neji said. Should he ask about her strange chakra? What sort of jutsu was she performing? Normally he'd find an excuse to leave now, participating in a conversation was a challenge he preferred to avoid unless it pertained to training or a mission. "Where are you heading?"

"Oh, I was on the way to see Tsunade-sama," Sakura said. "Where are you going?"

"I'm schedule to have a physical with you in an hour, would you care to eat something first? We can go to the hospital together then." Neji wasn't sure why he had just suggested they eat together. Sure they got along fine during missions and were somewhat casual friends, but he wasn't the sort to extend invitations.

Sakura had wanted to decline the invitation to lunch and immediately confront the Hokage about the results of the perverted jutsu. And make her pay! And she would have declined if it hadn't been for the fact that two-thirds of team ten showed up at that precise moment.

"Hey Forehead! Neji!" Ino shouted waving at them with a bored looking Chouji at her side. "You guys want to join us for lunch?"

"Well, I really need to get to the hospital-" Sakura began but was cut off by the presence of a muscular arm wrapped around her shoulders.

"Yes, that would be great," Neji answered guiding them to join the others. "Where were you going to eat?"

"I wanted to eat at the barbeque restaurant but they had a kitchen fire and so we were going to eat at the curry restaurant," Chouji explained.

Sakura could have sworn that the arm around her shoulder tightened slightly. She had intended to throw off the foreign weight but stopped herself suddenly afraid that there would be a white haired sennin lurking in the shadows. Neji was tall, maybe the pervert wouldn't be able to find her if she stayed in his company. Besides, the jutsu was over so she didn't need to worry about anything odd happening…like with Naruto.

OOOOOoooooOOOOO

A quarter hour had passed before Sakura realized her first mistake. The four were sitting at a booth in the middle of the restaurant, Chouji and Ino on one side and Sakura and Neji on the other. She wasn't sure, but she thought she caught sight of a familiar shock of silver hair and an orange book.

"Neji, are you alright?" Chouji asked voice laced in concern.

The Hyuga prodigy cleared his throat before tossing back an entire glass of water. "It's just a little spicy." He began to pant and then…

"Neji?" Sakura squealed when the unconscious body of the young man beside her fell over into her lap. She looked up at Ino and Chouji who were both watching her and the Jounin with arched brows and chopsticks poised halfway to their mouths in shock.

"Is he okay?" Ino asked lowering her chopsticks.

Sakura flashed a quick smile. "Of course he's fine," she said lifting a hand to his nose and using a flux of chakra to serve as a smelling salt substitute. The gorgeous man's pearly eyes snapped open and the hands that had been lying limp at his side were suddenly holding her face and pulling her down to him. "Neji?"

"Sakura! Neji!" Ino exclaimed, but Sakura hardly heard her as her mind was currently turned into a worthless puddle of goo the moment Neji's lips captured hers and stole not only her breath but all rational thought.

And then, the world was spinning as Sakura found herself being pulled and flipped under Neji as he rolled them off the bench seat under the table just barely avoiding their lunch companions' feet.

"Thirty-two points of pleasure," Neji mumbled against her skin as he began to kiss his way down her throat while his hands started to slip under her shirt squeezing her flesh. The sensations of energy shooting through her caused Sakura to arch against Neji bringing her abdomen and pelvis into direct contact with his. The area was still zinging from her experience with Naruto.

There was a loud bump as the table was knocked by Neji's shoulders. Ino and Chouji quickly jumped to their feet to get away from the couple rolling around together on the floor.

Sakura's companions seemed far away as the only thing in her limited universe consisted of Neji, Neji's tongue in her mouth, Neji's fingers dancing along her skin and triggering chakra points on ways they were not intended to be triggered during any sort of battle and the long hard lines of Neji's muscular body.

And then her universe shattered as she experienced the most soul shattering orgasm ever experience by a fully clothed woman. The rumble of Neji's laughter as he held her quaking body tight against his chest was what brought the Hokage's apprentice to her senses.

It happened again! She hadn't even performed any jutsu and yet Neji had just molested her in a very public restaurant in front of their friends. And she liked it!

"Sa-Sa-Sakura?"

Sakura focused her blurry vision to see Ino staring at her with a flushed expression and wide uncertain eyes. Determined to act casual Sakura threaded her hands into Neji's silky dark locks and stroked his hair gently. Was he purring? Whatever, she smiled sweetly at her bewildered friend and her equally bewildered teammate who had left his food unfinished, a sure sign of the apocalypse.

"Neji, perhaps we should go to the hospital and perform that physical of yours," Sakura said.

"Okay," he agreed taking one more nip at the underside of her chin.

OOOOOoooooOOOOO

"Yo," Kakashi greeted causing the white haired sannin to jump. "What ya' doing?"

"Er, nothing," Jiriaya said quickly shoving a journal into his jacket.

"Looks like you were writing," Kakashi said crossing his arms casually over his chest. "You get my letters then?"

"Yes, and my plots are not predictable with boring characters," he defended. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some research to do." He started to walk away but Kakashi reached out and fisted a hand in the man's collar.

"Why are you following around Sakura?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I saw her go into Naruto's, perform some sort of jutsu, then I saw you spying on it all outside his window. The next thing I know our favorite future Hokage was thrown at you outside this same window. And now, I see that Sakura is here with Hyuga and that they were behaving like characters for Icha Icha and yet here you are, again." Kakashi observed the older man closely, taking note of the guilty expression that crossed his features. "Coincidence?"

"Look, it's all rather simple. I'm writing _Icha Icha Pink_ and I'm just getting inspiration is all."

"I see, so what's the jutsu?"

Jiriaya frowned. "It won't matter now. Since she figured out what it does there's no way she'll perform it again."

"Why don't you explain this from the beginning," Kakashi suggested. "After we follow those two," he added.

OOOOOoooooOOOOO

Neji had acted the perfect gentleman the entire walk from the restaurant to the hospital; it was almost as if the incident under the table never happened. Sakura pressed her ear against his chest, listening for his heartbeat. It was steady and strong.

"Healthy heart," she commented straightening and checking off that section of the exam. "Did you pull any muscles?"

"Yes," Neji answered in a bored voice.

"Which one?"

A strange grin split the man's lips as he began to pull down his boxers.

"Neji! What are you doing?" Sakura cried jumping back from him. She needed distance and she needed it fast!

He cocked his head to the side and raised a brow. "I pulled my groin muscle," he explained.

Sakura chuckled nervously as she returned to his side to inspect the area. He had indeed sprained the muscle. She held her palm over it and sent a healing flow of chakra to the injury.

Satisfied with her work she grinned. "Well if that's all, you've passed your inspection. You're perfectly fit."

"Not perfectly," Neji said, surprising her.

"Why? What's wrong?" she asked confused.

"I now must perfect sixty-four points of pleasure."

Tsunade was going to pay! But…after point sixty four.

_Icha Icha Pink _

_ And the Seven Shinobi_

_Chapter Two_

_There once was a very stoic ninja, who was highly intelligent and once believed that he had no control over destiny. But he met the happy ninja (see previous chapter) and they became friends. He learned that destiny was not a prison to keep him caged and after a while he learned to really enjoy his physical examinations with a certain pink haired doctor…_

A/N : Greetings readers! There is a trend to this story, think of the seven personalities of the dwarves in Snow White and see if you can guess the identity of the the shinobi they represent: Happy, Doc, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, Doopey, and Grumpy. Can you figure it out? Bashful is next...


End file.
